Final Tribal Speech

(I'm writing this pretending that all four will be there, and I'll just ignore the parts about who was booted.)

First off, I'm not going to say congratulations to any of you, because I don't think any of you deserve it. You have all played good games, but none of you have played a game that I can fully respect and say, "Hey, now THAT is a winning game." Basically, I'm undecided tonight, and my opinion on all of you is that you all suck until you can prove to me otherwise with your answers tonight.

First off- Bobby Jon. I'm definitely not voting for you, so you can just pretend like I'm not even addressing you tonight. Sure, saving yourself with 2 idols is impressive, and winning last night's immunity was nice. But I think most of us can agree that getting here with not only 1, but 2 idols means that you played an excessively shitty game. You were going home twice. You couldn't keep your gameplan together well enough to keep you here. Yet somehow, here you sit. Your move to take me out was respectable, but the problem was that it took you 3 times to accomplish it. You tried to take out Lisa instead of Jolanda. You tried to take out me instead of Gregg. And then you finally succeeded, but again, I don't think this was your doing. My idol stunt was what sold the likes of Tom and Chad on flipping. You were only there to offer your vote. You can think you made big moves if you want, but they were all carried out with the power of others. You were disposable and don't deserve a single vote tonight. You're a fucking loser. Don't say a word to me or answer any of my questions. Those are for the players who deserve them, and you definitely don't.

Tom- I really want to vote you, but I just can't make myself do it. At least not yet. I want to say that I was really thankful for our friendship early on in the game. It came at a time when I really needed a real ally, and you were great to work with. I definitely respect your move to take me out. It was well done- you knew I wasn't going to play my idol, so why not take me out? But flipping 4 times? That's a bit much. I guess I just can't comprehend how you're sitting up there after all the flipping. And the Caryn boot? What the fuck was that? I don't think any of us understand why it had to be her, so I definitely want you to elaborate on that more.

Kim- Same story with Tom. I'd like to vote for you, but again, I just can't bring myself to do it until you make me a believer. I want you to tell me what the fuck you did in this game prior to my boot. And make me believe it, because as far as I can tell, you floated along in NuChorotega and said just enough to the rest of us to make you at least semi-liked so you wouldn't be booted first. What deals did you have? Who were you talking to? Because besides our discussion about your boobs, I got nothing from you. And then the merge. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you jumped on board with voting Caryn, Chris, Jolanda, Gregg, and then FINALLY you made a move for me. I know about your final 3 deal with Chad and Tom. Describe that for me. Who was the goat in that situation? Do you really think you would have won? Regardless, you're sitting here based on a lot of luck, just like Bobby Jon. Only you at least played the game somewhat better. Give m something to believe in, and you just might get my vote.

Lisa- You're the sweetest person in this game. You haven't said an awful thing about anybody. You have no enemies. But basically, you have nothing. You did nothing. Basically useless in challenges. But you're sitting up there while 9 much tougher competitors are sitting here on the jury. So something HAD to have worked. I want you to tell me what you did BESIDES the under-the-radar game you played. I asked you several times to help me think of a way to shake things up and change the course of the game, but every time I asked, you gave me a boring and totally expected answer. You played it safe, and now you're sitting in the finals. Now is the time to give the jury something. Tell us SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Throw them under the bus. WHATEVER. I don't think I'm alone in being one of the ones that WANTS to vote for you, but at this point, none of us really CAN vote for you in good conscious.

Finally, I want the two of you (besides Bobby Jon) to answer this: Rank the gameplay of all 9 of us sitting on the jury, from worst to best. After that, I want you to tell us which vote-off changed the course of your game and solidified why you're sitting up there tonight.

Thank you.

That's all good. No worries there.

First off, I'm not going to say congratulations to any of you, because I don't think any of you deserve it. You have all played good games, but none of you have played a game that I can fully respect and say, "Hey, now THAT is a winning game." Basically, I'm undecided tonight, and my opinion on all of you is that you all suck until you can prove to me otherwise with your answers tonight.

First off- Booby Jaundice. I'm definitely not voting for you, so you can just pretend like I'm not even addressing you tonight. Sure, saving yourself with 2 idols is impressive, and winning last night's immunity was nice. But I think most of us can agree that getting here with not only 1, but 2 idols means that you played an excessively shitty game. You were going home twice. You couldn't keep your gameplan together well enough to keep you here. Saying "I WANTED the most votes so I could decide who was going home" is fucking stupid. Yet somehow, here you sit. You made a nice sneaky move with Chris at the final 11. Your move to take me out was respectable, but the problem was that it took you 3 times to accomplish it. You tried to take out Lisa instead of Jolanda. You tried to take out me instead of Gregg. And then you finally succeeded, but again, I don't think this was your doing. My idol stunt was what sold the likes of Tom and Chad on flipping. You were only there to offer your vote. You can think you made big moves if you want, but they were all carried out with the power of others. You were disposable and don't deserve a single vote tonight. You're a fucking loser.

Kim- I'd like to vote for you, but again, I just can't bring myself to do it until you make me a believer. I want you to tell me what the fuck you did in this game prior to my boot. And make me believe it, because as far as I can tell, you floated along in NuChorotega and said just enough to the rest of us to make you at least semi-liked so you wouldn't be booted first. What deals did you have? Who were you talking to? Because besides our discussion about your boobs, I got nothing from you. And then the merge. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you jumped on board with voting Caryn, Chris, Jolanda, and Gregg, and then FINALLY you made a move for me. I know about your final 3 deal with Chad and Tom. Describe that for me. Who was the goat in that situation? Do you really think you would have won? Regardless, you're sitting here based on a lot of luck, just like Bobby Jon. Only you at least played the game somewhat better. Give m something to believe in, and you just might get my vote.

Lisa- You're the sweetest person in this game. You haven't said an awful thing about anybody. You have no enemies. But basically, you have nothing. You did nothing. Basically useless in challenges. But you're sitting up there while 9 much tougher competitors are sitting here on the jury. So something HAD to have worked. I want you to tell me what you did BESIDES the under-the-radar game you played. I asked you several times to help me think of a way to shake things up and change the course of the game, but every time I asked, you gave me a boring and totally expected answer. You played it safe, and now you're sitting in the finals. Now is the time to give the jury something. Tell us SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Throw them under the bus. WHATEVER. I don't think I'm alone in being one of the ones that WANTS to vote for you, but at this point, none of us really CAN vote for you in good conscious.

Finally, I want you all to answer this: Rank the gameplay of all 9 of us sitting on the jury, from worst to best. After that, I want you to tell us which vote-off changed the course of your game and solidified why you're sitting up there tonight.

Thank you.

Mia out.